craftygal stump - On the Need for Cubicle Etiquette

Desk Rage is for real and somebody needs to help.

Maybe what you need is some Feng Shui for Cubicles.

Last but not least, an Office Space tribute.

Thinking Outside the Cube

If you've never had the pleasure of working in Cubeville, Corporate America, then God bless you. For those of us who must, well, God help us. For every Dilbert comic strip read and each Office Space video rented, there are 500,000+ employees for whom the "humor" of cubicle life is in fact a grim reality. Truth be told, we probably spend more time in these so-called "coffins with email" than we do our bedrooms at home. If you're fortunate enough to work for a company that allows it, you can at least hang a McPhee.com calendar or photo of your cat to make the space feel like it belongs to you, but do you ever wonder what this environment is doing to your psyche? I, for one, plan on getting out very soon--and here's why.

The normal rules for close proximity still apply, despite the foam and fabric half-wall that has been raised to obscure sight and simulate privacy.

First of all, why on earth does no one have to take a course on cubicle etiquette? I'm sure Miss Manners has something to say on the topic, but the problem is… no one's asking. You might assume people would know that they need to conduct themselves as appropriately as they would in public, but you couldn't be more wrong. People do not understand that the normal rules for close proximity still apply, despite the foam and fabric half-wall that has been raised to obscure sight and simulate privacy. But that's just it, folks--your privacy is an illusion!

We can still hear you on the phone--discussing your medical issues, your endless wedding plans, swearing at your children--not to mention singing to the music for which you refuse to wear headphones. And the speakerphone was invented for people with offices, my friend--offices with walls that touch the ceiling and doors that shut. (I won't even address your toe and pen-tapping habits; those are better left for the therapist.)

In addition--believe it or not--these "walls" are not impervious to smell. No matter how much you love the aftershave or perfume your significant other bought you for Valentine's Day--assume that we, your cubemates, don't, and let that be your evening scent. If it helps, think about the girl on the other side of the wall with the massive allergies--pleasant aroma for you means throat-closing episode for her. As for your putrid-smelling lunch, well that's what they created breakrooms for. And it's a shame I even have to bring this up, but yes, we're fully aware of the stanky gastrointestinal issue you pretend doesn't exist. There is simply no room in Cubeland for that--take it outside!

So you see, fellow peons, until we graduate to real offices or liberate ourselves from the rat race altogether, we need to learn to be considerate. If you wouldn't go into someone's home and borrow something without asking, then don't do it at work. If you see a guest chair, don't just assume it's available. Everyone must impose on someone from time to time in this environment, but we can all try to keep it to a minimum. Now I'm not a perfect cube-neighbor by any means--I'm prone to the occasional, raucous laughter-filled conversation now and again myself. But the friendlier and more respectful we can make this crazy office life, the better. Agreed?

Note: Attributes of coworkers listed are not reflections on specific cube neighbors of mine. Characterizations described are a composite of all cube-farm victims, the world over…. No cubemates were harmed or injured in the writing of this essay.