Band Boys and the Girls Who Love Them

by Jan

Confession of a groupie: I’ve been "with the band" for nigh unto 15 years now. Heck, if you count my parents’ rag-tag folkie ensembles, I’ve been backstage for just about my entire life. Over the years, I’ve developed a special affinity for my fellow Band-Aids--the women who love, support, and occasionally torment the boys in the band. Without us, there would be a dearth of love songs, far fewer organized band websites and promotional efforts, and someone would need to establish a musicians only soup kitchen. Please allow me to introduce a few of these rare birds I’ve come to know so well, the women behind the bands:

The Homefire Tender

Call: "See you in the morning!"

Distinctive characteristics: Cooks, cleans, and cares for children (including her band member). Sightings at shows are infrequent to rare.

Mating habits: While her mate is sleeping.

Website FrugalHomemaker.com

The Capitalist

Call: "How much is your cut?"

Distinctive characteristics: Runs her designated band member’s calendar and decides which gigs will be accepted. Fails to realize that her drinking habit at shows eats up majority of cut.

Mating habits: When she can budget it in.

Website MoneyHungry

The Bedpost Notcher

Call: "Hey, baby!"

Distinctive characteristics: Working her way through the band like she’ll get a free cappuccino when her punch card is full.

Mating habits: One by one.

Website SexAA.org

The Succubus

Call: "I want what is yours! Life!!!"

Distinctive characteristics: Uses sexual chemistry like a carrot on a stick to eventually reduce band member to a whimpering child.

Mating habits: Black widow.

Website SeduceHim.com

The Lady of the Lights

Call: "Let there be light!"

Distinctive characteristics: Knows proper disco ball etiquette. Dresses in black. Knows how to make the boys shine.

Mating habits: Only when in the mood (lighting).

Website Roadie.net

The Taper

Call: "I’ll dub you a copy."

Distinctive characteristics: Carries heavy back pack full of A/V gear. Wears "Media Geek and proud of it!" T-shirt.

Mating habits: When she’s turned on.

Website Bootlegs.com

The Piner

Call: "So where’s his girlfriend tonight?"

Distinctive characteristics: "Secret" crush on band member. Always stands on his side of the stage. Tries to befriend other band girlfriends.

Mating habits: Yes, please!

Website Ecrush.com

The Mailing list Molly

Call: "Are you on the mailing list?"

Distinctive characteristics: Coordinates mailing list, postering, and website. Attends every show.

Mating habits: No time.

Website Merch info

The Hostess

Call: What would you like for breakfast?"

Distinctive characteristics: Room (or couch) to spare. Welcoming aura.

Mating habits: If the band is big enough, someone’s bound to wind up in the master bedroom.

Website Crashspace.com

The Fanatic

Call: Near hysterical babble interspersed with repeated "Oh my god!" and name of band.

Distinctive characteristics: Tears up when she runs into off-duty band members. Brings themed gifts to performances.

Mating habits: Only as an act of worship.

Website StarShrines

The Turncoat

Call: "I wish you loved me as much as you love your guitar (or drums, bass, microphone, cowbell, etc.)"

Distinctive characteristics: Loves that her mate is in a band in the Spring, but by Winter it’s time for him to grow up and settle down. Schedules dates and family functions for gig nights.

Mating habits: Seasonal.

Website Seasonal Affective Disorders

The Green Eyed Monster

Call: "Were you talking to my boyfriend?!?!?!"

Distinctive characteristics: Dagger eyes. Iron grip on band beau’s arm.

Mating habits: Only if he didn’t make eye contact with that girl over by the end of the bar.

Website Jealous much?

The Drunkard

Call: "Play a song I know!!!"

Distinctive characteristics: Beer spilled on front of shirt. Many requests. Clumsy dancing, clumsier attempts to climb on stage.

Mating habits: Too wasted to remember.

Website How to Be Obnoxious at a Rock Concert

The Destroyer

Call: "I’m not just with the band, I am the band!"

Distinctive characteristics: Uses association with band to gain power. Takes credit for everything. Breaks up band. Threatens legal action.

Mating habits: Only on the cover of Rolling Stone.

Website Courtney Love's Q interview

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